It’s cold here — California cold — but it’s frozen in Prague. J. drove me to the airport and I left. The people in Prague are cold. Snow fell on dirty, icy payphones. That’s when we still used wires. I wanted to share everything I saw with him. I wanted to order weird coffee with him. I wanted to hold his hand. A couple of weeks, later, I did. He arrived in the snow. In Vienna. Then, I was safe. I hadn’t realized I wasn’t previously safe. And that was how we evolved. I never knew what I needed what was better until he showed me. Ten years later, five years after I delivered our son something went wrong I was sick I didn’t know I was sick Other people did “How did Jay not know?” It was easy to blame drinking He mixed me a lot of drinks I started mixing my own drinks I mixed them when I was alone We fought But I trusted him. Jay would figure it all out he always did What was he going to do? I kept getting sicker. It was easy. I still cry Every day For a lot of reasons Now, I have a semi known amount of time left to be alive. I tried to take control of that time frame 232 pills give, take It didn’t work–more more more I always needed more I was 19. I was five years older than our son right now, as I write this. I behaved for him. For my husband. Because he wanted me to. I didn’t care. I was happy. I made our life, which he continues to live, Was my house. It’s my kitchen. Those are my plants. I lived in the gutter. I was attacked in a park. I was writing about the park when I had a seizure. I died, briefly, on an operating table. I was rusting. The elements will do that.
Science isn’t easy for people born without algorithms.
Michelle O’Kane 